![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Age, wisdom, and terror
Jan. 6th, 2008 11:21 pmDo you remember when you were a kid, that feeling of immortality? So much energy, nothing could hurt you? All those warnings from your parents were just annoying...
These days it isn't the fact that I creak in the morning that gets to me. It is the terror.
As you know, I smeared myself over a fair amount of pavement early last year while roller-blading. It took me more than six months to recover fully. I have recently started roller-blading again on the same track. There is one big difference.
The first time I went out to the track, it was like I had not been away for months. But the second time... The third time was worse. Every time I went down even a small hill, I started visualizing falling. Over and over and over. It plays in my head. I can feel myself going down. I can feel myself hitting the pavement. I start to feel my legs waver as my balance goes...
I end up past the hill shaking, covered in sweat, with the bad kind of adrenaline high that makes my stomach feel sick. And I never, ever want to do it again. Ever. I want to take off the damn skates and walk back to the car.
Yes, masochist that I am, I keep going. I roller-bladed 6 miles today and 6 miles last weekend. I keep hoping that it will get easier. Too stubborn to stop, that's me. This has been going on for a couple of months now. I would like to tell you that it has gotten easier, but... I'm just using workarounds. I find that if I slow down before hills, brake a lot, sometimes that helps. I spend a lot of time concentrating on GOING instead of FALLING. I know this is all in my head. There is nothing wrong with my skates or my balance.
This, this is what it is to get old. It isn't the aching bones or creaking back. It is that intimate knowledge of the terrible, horrible consequences when things go wrong.
These days it isn't the fact that I creak in the morning that gets to me. It is the terror.
As you know, I smeared myself over a fair amount of pavement early last year while roller-blading. It took me more than six months to recover fully. I have recently started roller-blading again on the same track. There is one big difference.
The first time I went out to the track, it was like I had not been away for months. But the second time... The third time was worse. Every time I went down even a small hill, I started visualizing falling. Over and over and over. It plays in my head. I can feel myself going down. I can feel myself hitting the pavement. I start to feel my legs waver as my balance goes...
I end up past the hill shaking, covered in sweat, with the bad kind of adrenaline high that makes my stomach feel sick. And I never, ever want to do it again. Ever. I want to take off the damn skates and walk back to the car.
Yes, masochist that I am, I keep going. I roller-bladed 6 miles today and 6 miles last weekend. I keep hoping that it will get easier. Too stubborn to stop, that's me. This has been going on for a couple of months now. I would like to tell you that it has gotten easier, but... I'm just using workarounds. I find that if I slow down before hills, brake a lot, sometimes that helps. I spend a lot of time concentrating on GOING instead of FALLING. I know this is all in my head. There is nothing wrong with my skates or my balance.
This, this is what it is to get old. It isn't the aching bones or creaking back. It is that intimate knowledge of the terrible, horrible consequences when things go wrong.
