indigo_rose99

Do you remember when you were a kid, that feeling of immortality?  So much energy, nothing could hurt you?  All those warnings from your parents were just annoying...

These days it isn't the fact that I creak in the morning that gets to me.  It is the terror.

As you know, I smeared myself over a fair amount of pavement early last year while roller-blading.  It took me more than six months to recover fully.  I have recently started roller-blading again on the same track.  There is one big difference.

The first time I went out to the track, it was like I had not been away for months.  But the second time...  The third time was worse.  Every time I went down even a small hill, I started visualizing falling.  Over and over and over. It plays in my head. I can feel myself going down.  I can feel myself hitting the pavement.  I start to feel my legs waver as my balance goes...

I end up past the hill shaking, covered in sweat, with the bad kind of adrenaline high that makes my stomach feel sick.  And I never, ever want to do it again.  Ever.  I want to take off the damn skates and walk back to the car.

Yes, masochist that I am, I keep going.  I roller-bladed 6 miles today and 6 miles last weekend.  I keep hoping that it will get easier.  Too stubborn to stop, that's me.  This has been going on for a couple of months now.  I would like to tell you that it has gotten easier, but... I'm just using workarounds.  I find that if I slow down before hills, brake a lot, sometimes that helps. I spend a lot of time concentrating on GOING instead of FALLING.  I know this is all in my head.  There is nothing wrong with my skates or my balance.

This, this is what it is to get old. It isn't the aching bones or creaking back.  It is that intimate knowledge of the terrible, horrible consequences when things go wrong.

There are moments in life when I am grateful that I have truly wonderful friends.  Today was one of them.

With T out of town, our friends are being really lovely.  Inviting me to lunch.  Courtney is coming to visit later in the week.  And today I went rollerblading with raaga123.  Which turned to to be way more exciting that such exercise is supposed to be. Going down a hill and around a curve, I took a tumble.  Somehow it managed to involve both elbows (no pads), one knee (no pads), my right butt cheek (duh), my tail bone, and my head (no helmet).  I left a really amazing pool of blood on the pavement.  Head wounds bleed a lot, don't you know?

raaga123 took me to the emergency room (don't tell T this part until after he returns, I managed to very carefully leave the words "emergency room" out of my email to him).  The scrapes, including the head wound, hurt like such scrapes always do.  Yes, feel free to wince in sympathy.  No, the really painful part was my tailbone.  Getting up, getting into and out of  raaga123's car, climbing onto the examination table to be examined by a doctor were possibly among the most painful experiences of my entire life.   The x-ray technician was amazingly nice.  But perhaps that was because I went from following her very slowly  but conversationally down hallways to crying and shaking from the pain of simply climbing onto the x-ray bed.  Turns out, they can take perfectly good x-rays even if you are shaking uncontrollably. 

According to the experts, I do not have anything broken and do not have a concussion.  Yay, I'm not injuring myself worse by moving!

I'm home (raaga123 would not let me drive), and drugged up.  I'm taking the max dosage at the shortest end of the time span.  The words, "Tomorrow will be worse" hang over my head like a...  Well, you get the idea.  If today is this bad, I plan on spending tomorrow as drugged up as I possibly can.  If I can spend the next 48 hours asleep, I will. 

I have several friends planning on calling me to check in.  My friend and neighbor, Bruce is going to call and I'll ask him to help me put the futon down (sitting is harder than being horizontal.  At least, I hope it is.).  In the meantime, I'm rotating ice packs.