Age, wisdom, and terror

[indigo_rose99]

Do you remember when you were a kid, that feeling of immortality?  So much energy, nothing could hurt you?  All those warnings from your parents were just annoying...

These days it isn't the fact that I creak in the morning that gets to me.  It is the terror.

As you know, I smeared myself over a fair amount of pavement early last year while roller-blading.  It took me more than six months to recover fully.  I have recently started roller-blading again on the same track.  There is one big difference.

The first time I went out to the track, it was like I had not been away for months.  But the second time...  The third time was worse.  Every time I went down even a small hill, I started visualizing falling.  Over and over and over. It plays in my head. I can feel myself going down.  I can feel myself hitting the pavement.  I start to feel my legs waver as my balance goes...

I end up past the hill shaking, covered in sweat, with the bad kind of adrenaline high that makes my stomach feel sick.  And I never, ever want to do it again.  Ever.  I want to take off the damn skates and walk back to the car.

Yes, masochist that I am, I keep going.  I roller-bladed 6 miles today and 6 miles last weekend.  I keep hoping that it will get easier.  Too stubborn to stop, that's me.  This has been going on for a couple of months now.  I would like to tell you that it has gotten easier, but... I'm just using workarounds.  I find that if I slow down before hills, brake a lot, sometimes that helps. I spend a lot of time concentrating on GOING instead of FALLING.  I know this is all in my head.  There is nothing wrong with my skates or my balance.

This, this is what it is to get old. It isn't the aching bones or creaking back.  It is that intimate knowledge of the terrible, horrible consequences when things go wrong.

Comments

I didn't have the problem

[pamwheatfree.livejournal.com]

I remember smearing myself on the veloway as well. I was alone that day and so I picked myself up and kept skating. I remember thinking that it would hurt a lot and I would not be able to skate the next time. I do fear getting back on my skates every year, but I find that after the first time out it isn't a problem anymore. I wear protective head and wrist gear. It might help to take a beginner course again, or for the first time if you didn't do it then. I got a friend to start skating with me here a few years ago and the course really helped her. She learned how to fall the correct way, using the knee and elbow pads to protect herself. This might really help you. It certainly allowed us to pick up speed on the sidewalks and bike paths here.

Strangely enough, ice skating also helps. I usually fall down hard on the ice at least twice a year. You slide for about 10 feet. Someone skates over and asks if you are okay and you find out that you are. I guess something about the slippery surface keeps you from really getting hurt. Since there are often hidden cracks in the ice there is almost nothing you can do to prevent a fall. I've gotten used to it.

Re: I didn't have the problem

[indigo-rose99.livejournal.com]

I've fallen before, even on the veloway. One time, I had such massive bruising that they gave it a special name and I had to see multiple doctors. But it only took me a few weeks to heal. In fact, on all of my previous falls, it only took me a few days or weeks to completely heal. I've never had such a long-term injury before. This is the first injury that actually impacted my lifestyle in a significant way. Perhaps that is why this particular one has had such an impact on me.

I did take a beginner class, some 15+ years ago. I learned to brake in it. I don't remember anything about falling. Perhaps that would be worth revisiting.

And I'm ok on speed... As long as I am on a flat surface or going uphill. In fact, I'm really good on uphill. It is the downhill speed that I am not controlling that really, really bugs me.

I don't know for sure what about this particular event that got into my head. All I know is that picking myself up and continuing to skate is not easy or simple. Skating at all is a massive act of willpower.