The funeral

[indigo_rose99]

In many ways a funeral is a funeral is a funeral.  It isn't fun, but it is sometimes helpful.  I have often learned new things about the people in my life.  I cannot say they are always emotionally satisfying, but...

I had high hopes that Mom's funeral would help me along with my grieving process.  Yeah, not so great on that part.

It turns out I have expectations of a funeral.  I'd like to cry, think about the person, maybe laugh a few times... I want to spend a chunk of time thinking a lot about this person and their life.  Stories about what was around when they grew up, how the world was different.  The life choices they made... 

Mom's funeral was about the most impersonal service I have been to.  There were no pictures of her.  The priest tried, but other than using her name, I had difficulty believing that the woman he talked about was Mom.  No one was allowed to get up and tell stories.  There was no laughter, there was no review of the many wonderful things she did with her life.  I was, as far as I could tell, one of only two  people who cried.  Because what was there to cry about?  This event had nothing to do with Mom.

And I hate that.

I understand that Mom didn't want people to tell mean stories about her that would make her look stupid.  I don't want to hear stories about her being stupid -- I want to hear stories about her being a person.  Human.  Loving.  Caring.  Sweet. 

I am not sure why she didn't want pictures. Perhaps because she didn't want to bother anyone.  That would be like her.

T and I brought our favorite picture of her, stored in our car.  Mom as a bride was smiling and beautiful.  I showed it to Mom's sister, and she practically snatched it out of my hands, looking at it hungrily.  I am clearly not the only one who felt this way about seeing Mom. 

I tried and tried to get people to tell stories about her. I got a few.  They were like precious crumbs when I was expecting a feast.

Learning lesson.  At my funeral/memorial service?  Tell stories.  Make everyone laugh.  Make them cry.  Make them remember that I am, yes, a pain in the ass.  And a good friend.  And I tell the truth when you ask for it, even when you really really don't want me to.  But make it an event about a person, not completely and utterly generically anonymous.  

Comments

[raaga123.livejournal.com]

Agreed.

Do you still have that picture? I was wondering what she looked like when she was young; would love to see it.

[indigo-rose99.livejournal.com]

Sure. Framed on our wall. Remind me and I'll show you next time you are in our place.

[(Anonymous)]

Amen! 2 of the funerals i've been to this year were as dreary as could be- no stories, people sitting around staring at each other or conversing quietly about the headstone or casket choice. The other funeral was just ridiculous with a baptist preacher jumping around, smiling nonstop, and trying to recruit new converts, and going on and on about what a great baptist woman my aunt (an agnostic at best) was, though he'd only met her twice. Neither style seemed a good way to honor the memory of those lost. If there's anyone left who cares when I go, I hope they have a fabulous theme party with a huge cake! Hmm, maybe I should get that planned...a good theme party is all about the details...

I suggest you put together a simple dinner party for close friends and family in a few weeks. Ask everyone you invite to write down and send you ahead of time three stories about mom, funny, sad, happy, whatever they remember most for you to compile into a memory book to give out to the guests. At the dinner, mix them all up and hand them out and have everyone take turns reading them out loud. The books could be as simple as a printed doc or as fancy as an online photo book for purchase with photos of mom and memory excerpts typed in the text boxes. The online templates at photo works or shutterfly are really easy to use, and you have the option to just share the link and let people purchase their own copy.

If this is something you'd like to do, i'd be happy to give you a hand with preparations. If the memorial services have not been what you needed to process your own grief, then make your own. We're thinking of you.--texpenguin

[indigo-rose99.livejournal.com]

I've been thinking about this. I'd like to. And the more I think about it, the more I want to do it.

I see two obstacles: (1) Except for T, the people I would want to invite are not local. (2) TIME! Sweet, slippery TIME!

Hmmm... Perhaps this is something I work toward slowly.

[cat-napp.livejournal.com]

I'd have to say that most of the funerals I've attended have been rather stale affairs as well--the storytelling and the remembering really happened directly afterward, when most everyone gathered together at a family member's house for hours on end. When M's step-mom died, the service was in the morning and we were all at his dad's house afterward until the evening with photos of her displayed, eating, drinking and reminiscing. It was much more meaningful than the funeral service itself and allowed everyone some closure.

I really like texpenguin's idea--maybe you and T can make that happen!