On funerals
May. 18th, 2008 01:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
indigo_rose99I have been to my share. About ten, over the course of my life. None have been fun.
My only memory of my grandmother's funeral is my (other) brother deciding that five seconds before the family entered the service was the appropriate time to have an argument over the definition of "first cousin, once removed." ....*grind teeth* Yeah, that pretty much sums up the funeral fun.
As a firm skeptic, I have found the religious part of the ceremonies increasingly disturbing as I have gotten older. I try to accept that these trappings are comforting to many people -- as they were comforting to me as a child and teen -- but my own distaste colors my view of the entire event these days. The religious parts seem either overly pushy or wildly unrealistic.
Before Friday, I would count pretty much every aspect of attending a funeral as something simply to be endured. But Friday... when we got to the "And now the floor is open to people who want to tell a Mike story." part of the service, that is when it became helpful.
Four of Mike's friends got up and spoke, with 15 to 18 years friendship to talk about. Two of Mike's coworkers seemed to feel compelled to speak. And what they said resonated and augmented my own knowledge of Mike. They painted a picture of a contented man who loved to explore concepts and ideas. They quoted funny things he said.
Then his mother got up. She was... You know that feeling when your mother is in front of your friends and you just want to cover your eyes and moan "Mom! Could you PLEASE not embarrass me?!" That was his mother. I had that smile on my face that friends with such a mother have. What she said was that listening to his friends delighted and comforted her. See, Mike had told her that he was happy. But she obviously never believed him, thinking he just said that to make her happy. But listening to Mike's friends, she realized that he really WAS happy. He had friends he saw every week. Every weekend he had plans he looked forward to. He had a rare and wonderful life, for a single mid-30s guy. She had not realized, until the funeral.
So funerals can be good. They can bring a peace of mind to those mourning.
My only memory of my grandmother's funeral is my (other) brother deciding that five seconds before the family entered the service was the appropriate time to have an argument over the definition of "first cousin, once removed." ....*grind teeth* Yeah, that pretty much sums up the funeral fun.
As a firm skeptic, I have found the religious part of the ceremonies increasingly disturbing as I have gotten older. I try to accept that these trappings are comforting to many people -- as they were comforting to me as a child and teen -- but my own distaste colors my view of the entire event these days. The religious parts seem either overly pushy or wildly unrealistic.
Before Friday, I would count pretty much every aspect of attending a funeral as something simply to be endured. But Friday... when we got to the "And now the floor is open to people who want to tell a Mike story." part of the service, that is when it became helpful.
Four of Mike's friends got up and spoke, with 15 to 18 years friendship to talk about. Two of Mike's coworkers seemed to feel compelled to speak. And what they said resonated and augmented my own knowledge of Mike. They painted a picture of a contented man who loved to explore concepts and ideas. They quoted funny things he said.
Then his mother got up. She was... You know that feeling when your mother is in front of your friends and you just want to cover your eyes and moan "Mom! Could you PLEASE not embarrass me?!" That was his mother. I had that smile on my face that friends with such a mother have. What she said was that listening to his friends delighted and comforted her. See, Mike had told her that he was happy. But she obviously never believed him, thinking he just said that to make her happy. But listening to Mike's friends, she realized that he really WAS happy. He had friends he saw every week. Every weekend he had plans he looked forward to. He had a rare and wonderful life, for a single mid-30s guy. She had not realized, until the funeral.
So funerals can be good. They can bring a peace of mind to those mourning.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-19 06:51 pm (UTC)I agree. That's why our will says for people to have a party. We may need to make the wording a bit stronger, though, since it's not just a suggestion.
What she said was that listening to his friends delighted and comforted her.
That's fantastic. I'm so glad she understood - if late - that her son had a life to love.
A Party?
Date: 2008-05-19 09:04 pm (UTC)Re: A Party?
Date: 2008-05-20 02:46 pm (UTC)The executor is probably going to be CK's dad, for proximity and also because he understands. He's a Navy guy. (For the record... Back in the WWII days, my grandfather attended a wake that was the talk of San Francisco for many years...)